Face your fears...

So I've had this reoccurring dream that I was being forced to dance in front of my whole middle school. Not the one I'm teaching at now... Just as a kid or an adult in front of some large body of tweeners that mercilessly lash me with insults while I writhe around doing only what a baboon might consider dance moves.

Many of you may have had this dream before. Perhaps yours had nudity or underwear mixed in. Thankfully mine haven't or I may have chewed right through my mouth guard that I wear at night to keep me from nervously grinding my teeth. Anyway if you have had this dream, maybe you can tell me what it means. I really have no idea. All I know is that I've always associated it with my general fear of dancing and moreover my fear of dancing in front of folks. It wasn't until the last year or so that I've managed to start dancing at weddings and things on a regular basis. I don't know why, but I've never really been down with bustin a move. Probably because I suck at it.

I'm telling you this to provide a little background for last week when I found out the activity I had blindly agreed to participate in at the pep rally was... you guessed it, a dance off. Needless to say I didn't sleep well the night before.

Luckily as the day began I stayed fairly busy and thus distracted. My wife showed up during my early off period with donuts for me which was an extremely awesome high point. The kids were fairly cool all day and like I said, for the most part, I was able to put the ordeal out of mind. That was, until the end of the day, when I had a whole hour's worth of off period to stew on my impending doom. I'm not kidding you, I was so overwhelmed that I literally found myself watching soldier boy's how-to video so I could brush up on how to crank that.

So when the hour came to actually take the floor I felt like every digestive organ was somewhere in the back of my throat. Nevertheless there was no getting out of it now. (I had already tried to use my crossing guard duty as an out to no avail.) Then the cheerleading sponsor called us out in a frenzy to the middle of the floor where we would square off with a bunch of kids. As it turns out there would be 12 people out there dancing all at once, 6 kids and 6 teachers. There would be a winner from both groups. Well... at least I don't have the spotlight.

What happened next is a little fuzzy to my recollection. In my mind there was just this flurry of flying around doing the running man, the sprinkler, the worm and some bootleg yoga moves all set to the tune of 15 second cuts of 80s music. Teachers and kids alike were going nuts... both on the floor and in the stands. Somewhere toward the end, with sweat rolling and me panting like basset hound in a marathon, I looked up and realized there were no other teachers on the floor. Had they all walked off? Well I decided to take the opportunity and make my exit.... no dice.

Some friendly little cheerleader, who I don't even know said, "No Mr. Spur! Stay in there!" And she pushed me back out. On my way back to the floor I notice one of the kids still left. Dude had some serious moves. It was pretty cool and at some points, whether out of amazement or sheer exhaustion, I found myself just standing and watching. Then I sort of became his cheerleader because it was pretty clear that he was the kid winner.

When the smoke cleared and the dancing ended, two cool things happened. 1. I had faced my fear and managed to overcome. and 2. I won... who woulda thought. Moral of the story... face your fears kids, you never know where it might get you.

Overheard @ WoRMS:
Girl: So since my first buffalo looks like an elephant, should I draw my second one with a trunk or not?
Me: Huh?
Girl: Well, he told me yesterday that a buffalo was like an elephant and so I drew an elephant but today I see what they really look like so what should I do.
Me: Don't believe everything everyone tells you... it's starting to make you look silly. Draw a brown cow with horns... no trunk...
(I'm going to get this thing and scan it in for you folks, it's unreal)

Buddy I wish you coulda been there...

So I just got in from Adrian's memorial service at UT's memorial pond. It was a surreal experience. If you had told me a year ago, a month ago, or even a couple weeks ago that we would be there, grieving our collective loss... I wouldn't have believed you. I think Dr. Salinas said it best when she said, "He's the last person I would have expected this to happen to. When he (Adrian) went to New York to teach I thought, 'well of course you would, you've done everything else...'" And he had...

It's been amazing how many of you out there Adrian has touched. So much so that this blog has gotten around 10 times more hits over the last week or so than it had gotten since I first began writing. This only goes to prove how many people literally around the world are searching for answers in the wake of his death. Today was more of the same.

There were so many people there. Which I suppose shouldn't have come as any sort of surprise but it sort of seemed like this thing had been thrown together quickly. So how could any sort of word have gotten out about it? Nevertheless, I'd say 50+ people showed up to pay their respects.

It was a fairly somber affair as one would expect. But I couldn't help but think what if... What if Adrian could have seen how many people were there? What if he could have heard them talk about how even those that barely knew him were touched just by meeting him? What if he could've seen how many of us UTeach kids showed up and reconnected over our common loss? What if he could see how many people are searching the web for any shred of information about him and his death? Would it make a difference? Would he feel any different about his life? It's impossible to know. Just like it's impossible to wrap your mind around the fact that he isn't just out traveling the world or doing something great... He's gone, forever.

So many of us miss our friend, mentor and teacher.
So many of us are looking for answers.
So many of us grieve.

Adrian, I only wish you had known just how loved you were.... Just how loved you are.

Lastly-
For all those out there grieving the loss: Say something sarcastic today. Adrian would be proud of you for it.

Oh the joys of consumerism...

So the wife and I have decided to put new carpet into our house. We'd been thinking about it for a while and recently decided to go ahead and do it. We figured that if we're going to get new carpet, we should get it before our kid starts sticking his face in it everyday. Maybe let some of those 'non-toxic' chemicals come out while he's still floating safely in the amniotic fluid.

So we get a guy out here. And let me stop right here and say that carpet salesmen are like car salesmen that come into your house. They want to make a deal and they want to make it right then, before you can talk to someone else. Anyway, the guy's here and he's showing us some good carpet in colors like sandstone, desert pearl and log cabin. We're scurrying around the house laying it in rooms trying to get a picture of what a 4 inch square would look like if it covered a whole room, laying our faces on the carpet, putting our hands in it, letting the cat walk on it...

Then it occurs to me... How many other people have done this? woof... So I tried not to think about it.

Now I'm sitting down to finish this blog, almost a full day since I started it... Ah the joys of consumerism.

Anyway so I couldn't finish it last night because the very thing I was beginning to write about was the very thing that took over my night. From about 5 oclock until almost 11 last night, my wife and I (with a little help from a friend) managed to move every single thing from a carpeted area to an un-carpeted one. So now as I write this I'm sitting in a spot I carved out for myself in the living room amongst a jungle of furniture. It's pretty unreal. Just this morning I got out of the shower just like I do everyday and, unlike everyday, I had to walk to the living room to get my underpants.... woof.

It's really put alot of stress on the ole prego wife. Kinda makes me wish in a way that we hadn't done it. I'm sure however that once our snazzy new carpet gets in here, we will love it. I know this one was a little disjointed but what do you expect?

Overheard at WoRMS
So I haven't done one of these in a while and I think we're all in the mood to smile so here's a couple.
1. Girl: "Mr. Spurlock, so North and South Carolina..."
Me: "Is this a question?"
Girl: "Yea. Which one is in Canada?"

2. Me: "OK folks what do you think the Paleo-Indians hunted and ate?"
Class barks out various answers and mysteriously quiets down just before one smart alec yells:
"BABIES!"

Lastly, I'm not sure if this will be funny but something of note. I started my first day of crossing guard duty today. I have to wear a silly vest but I get paid pretty good...

Thanks for letting me share!

Meet the Parents...

So I have to admit that after a much needed relaxing weekend, I'm finally starting to feel like myself again. I've started to realize that I may never make sense of what happened with Adrian or what had become of the person I once knew. While I may not know these things, I can imagine what the Adrian I knew would have told me at a time like this. I imagine he would say, "Coach, sometimes you just have to F'ing go and do it." So with this in mind I prepared for Monday and my first ever 'Back to School' night. Let's go and do it...

Back to school night may be better known to many of you as Open House. Parents come in, shake hands, slap backs and tell you who their kid is. Then we as teachers try to think of something positive to say about their student. Usually this isn't especially hard as I like my kids... no really I do.

So as parents come strolling in I get to shake their hands and they tell me things like "I couldn't wait to come and meet my son's favorite teacher." or "Well I had to come and see what the 'cool class' was all about." And seriously folks I'm not trying to brag here. As I write this and start to internalize for the first time how complimentary the parents were of me, tears are literally welling up. My cup runneth over...

So many teachers told me, including my own mom, that you can't smile before Christmas. You have to show them who's boss or they'll run you over. I've addressed my feelings on this in another blog so I won't go into it here. But tonight, for the first time, I really felt vindicated in my opinions on how I treat kids. Parents were over joyed that I respected their students, that I let them talk, that I didn't assign needless homework, that I look forward to seeing them everyday. They, one class after the next, told me that I was their son or daughter's favorite teacher and in some cases, I didn't even think their kid liked me. It truly was an overwhelming night to realize that I'm actually connecting with the kids. God help me to never take it for granted.

And so I'm just F'ing doing it. One day at a time, and maybe just maybe making a difference in some kids life. Thanks for letting me share it with you.

Trying to find the good in an awful time...

On a day like today, we Americans all take the moments of silence a little more solemnly than other days. It's hard to believe that it was 7 years ago when the towers fell in New York. It's also hard to believe that my mind has been so much more hung up on the happenings at NYC this September 11th than it was during the horrific events of 2001.

I suppose this is because Adrian Cane's passing has affected me personally. While the events of 9/11 will always be seared into our minds, how many of us knew someone that died that day? For those of you who did, heaven help you. I can only imagine the pain you must have felt; the pain you must still feel. Today gives me a sense of how you must have felt seeing continuing coverage for days on end. And while the tragedy of Adrian's death pales to the deaths of thousands it has indeed affected me more than watching the twin towers go down.

The solace comes in the realization that time can heal all wounds. My kids taught me this today. Many of them can barely remember the events of 9/11. Those that do have created memories from things they have seen since. Very few remember where they were or what exactly happened on that fateful day. Perhaps it's because they are young or maybe it's because they've lived about 50% of their life to date in a post 9/11 world.

So Mr. Cane, using this math perhaps when I'm 40 I will be able to look back and feel like this day is a distant memory. Then again... I doubt it.

Here's to everyone who's hurting from wounds both new and old. I feel you.

This is all I got... We'll miss you buddy.

You know sometimes stuff happens that stops you in your tracks. Things that are so incomprehensible that you can't really find the words to even begin talking about it. When things like that happen you can't help but feel bad for whining about whatever issues you've been having trouble with. And this is how I feel tonight...

About 3 hours ago I found out that my friend, Adrian Cane, killed himself. He was a 23 year old man living and teaching in New York City. Before leaving for the 'big time' he had been a student at the University of Texas and graduated from the UTeach program with me in May. We had known each other for a short amount of time but I feel like I got to know him fairly well. He was a great guy and someone who seemed to really enjoy the meeting of the minds that came with education. He wanted to use his gift of teaching in a purposeful way which is partly what led him to NYC. I'm not sure what happened to him after he got there. I lost touch with him and truthfully had only talked to him online a couple of times since graduation. It goes without saying that things must not have been what he'd hoped.

Rather than speculate about why it happened, I would rather use this space to talk about what he meant to me. You see besides just being a classmate in the same program he was also a co-faculty member with me during our student teaching at Round Rock High School. I truly feel that without him at that school, I may have become very jaded toward students and education in general. But, as luck would have it, he was there. It saddens me to think that I never had the opportunity to tell him what a difference he made just by talking with me about students and lessons. We shared ideas, thoughts and failures with one another. He was the guy I went to during my time of student teaching when the chips were down and I needed a boost. Like I said, he probably never knew it, but I honestly doubt I'd be where I am now without his influence. And now... he's gone.

Knowing how this tragedy has affected me, I can't begin to fathom how his family and long term girlfriend are coping. Please pray for these people and anyone else that might have been impacted by Adrian's passing.

You will be missed Mr. Cane. You were a good friend and an incredible teacher.

Should I stay or should I go...

So I've been kind of overwhelmed by how many of you have missed the blog on its hiatus over the past few days. It really means alot that you even care to read it, let alone miss it. So without further adieu (pardon my French), here's what I've been thinking about lately....

So today was my first day ever to get a sub. If you read a few posts back you'll see the whole ranting saga of why exactly I had to leave. Needless to say all of that business in that post was a little over the top. I wound up only being gone for one period of class and our AP came in to talk to the students about bullying and what not during that class. Nevertheless, I felt weird leaving. So weird in fact that I was almost late to my training class because I was so nervous about just taking off. Thank goodness for my mentor, Julie. Without her I never would have gotten set up for the sub in the first place. I swear whatever they're paying that woman isn't enough. I think I'm a fairly solid first year teacher but if it weren't for her and a couple other ladies up at school, I probably would have already decided I didn't want to be a teacher anymore. It hasn't taken me long to realize, after talking with some of my rookie teacher friends all of whom I consider to be better teachers than myself, that without support we first year kiddos are dead in the water... but that's another discussion.

What's been on my mind a bunch today is something Julie brought up yesterday as I was filling my sub folder. So I'm sitting there all frazzled about having to leave and all the stuff involved with being gone and worrying about what my kids were going to be like for another teacher when I boldly proclaimed, "I will never miss another day." I mean seriously, the kids need us real teachers there. It's like the difference between having your roof held together by nails and boards instead of chewing gum and tape. Please don't take offense, subs. You guys provide a valuable service. But let's be serious... the kids don't know you, you don't know them, you probably know nothing about the subject and you're really just a placeholder that's there to make sure the kids don't tear down the walls. Maybe this is disrespectful but I guess that sentiment right there is why I don't ever want to leave my kids with a substitute.

So anyway after I made my bold proclamation, Julie says, "Well Matt, you'll have to miss at some point." To which I sort of sneered. "I'm serious, come January... you'll have to take off at least a week for that new baby of yours." A WEEK?! nope... aint happenin

OK so then I come home and tell my wife, "Wife, you won't believe what Julie said to me today..." Well you can probably guess how that turned out. Amazingly, Julie (a mother herself) was right. And apparently I have until January to wrap my head around being gone for 5 days minimum. Think about it though. The baby probably won't show up right on time, we don't exactly have the lil guy on an egg timer. So I won't even be able to plan for the days like I would a vacation. I'm just going to have to wing it at the last minute. Nothing says positive learning environment like 'wingin it'!

Regardless of what happens I'm sure that when the big day comes, I'll be happy to give up my 150 7th graders for my one 7 pounder. Here's to you baby, making me take days off whether I want to or not. Lord please just help me find a good sub....


Overheard at WoRMS:
"OK so North and South Carolina... Which is in Canada?" Real question folks... I kid you not.

Me and this gun go way back...

So I just got in from my second hunting 'expedition' after a near 20 year layover. I'm not really sure why it took me this long to get back at it. I used to hunt some when I lived in WV but ever since we moved to Texas it just never started back up.
Things were bound to change eventually since I live in Austin and one of my best friends here has a veritable arsenal in his house and loves to hunt. So anyway over the long weekend I decided to bite the bullet, so to speak, and buy my first rifle. To tell the truth it's the first gun I've ever personally owned. Before now, I've always used guns borrowed from dad. So needless to say, I'm pretty proud. Not only am I proud of the deal I got on a gun that was probably worth a couple hundred dollars more than I paid for it but also of the gun itself. The gun is a Winchester 1894 and shoots 44 magnum shells. I love it for a couple of reasons.

The first is because it stirs the echos in my past a little bit. When I was about waist high to the average adult, I had a cap gun that fed the old style paper reel of caps through it. Its lever action and overall style was designed to look exactly like the gun I currently own. Not only that but through a little detective work on the serial number, I've concluded that, at about the same time I was popping caps at anything that moved with that old gun, the real deal that I just bought was rolling off the assembly line over at Winchester. But I digress. The real story of that old cap gun is how much it reminds me of my Granddad. He was a great man that always made time for his youngest grandson. He was also a smoker which in most instances is something I wish he hadn't done. One time however, when I came around with my little plastic Winchester he called me over. He had me hold it up while he put his mouth to the barrel and blew into it. Then he held his finger over the end and said, "Now shoot!" So I did and as the cap cracked he pulled his finger off the barrel and smoke began to slowly rise from the end. I couldn't believe it, this had to be the coolest thing ever. And even though it had been it had been almost 20 years since that day, I knew when I saw this gun... I had to buy it.

The second big reason I love it is that I look at it and just feel history. You have to understand that, for the most part, this gun's design has remained unchanged since it's invention over 100 years ago. This is a gun that was used by John Wayne, Clint Eastwood, and every male in your family who's ever shot at something in the past 100 years. People have hunted everything from rabbits to polar bears with them depending on the caliber and lived to tell about it. The Earps used it when they weren't toting pistols, the bad guys that shot back were using them too. So when a twig snaps, I reach for the hammer, just like guys have been doing since the turn of last century.

So maybe it's cranking the lever back on that old gun, or maybe it's the nature, or maybe it's just hanging out with my good buddy. No matter what it is, somehow the fact that I can do little more than shoot at stuff... doesn't really matter.

Overheard at WoRMS
Kid 1: Can I tell a quick story about Hawaii?
Kid 2: Nobody wants your dumb story.
Kid 1: That's rude!
Kid 2: It's true though.
Kid 3: (consoling Kid 1) He's right actually.
Me: ::Shakes Head::

Ever wonder why your teacher acted like they didn't like you?

It probably wasn't that the teacher didn't like you, it was probably that they felt like they were getting dumped on a little.

Normally I'm not one to complain when it comes to my job. It's a job that I mostly enjoy and that I get paid to do. If I loved every second of it, I suppose I could work pro bono. But they pay me to put up with the parts I don't particularly enjoy so I put up with it. But when I feel like my kids are getting dumped on, it's time to take action. Now all in all I'll say that most of our teacher inservice things have been, at least on some level, beneficial. But after today I was left wondering, why didn't they finish? Let me explain.

Generally about anywhere you teach you have this system that you get evaluated under. Ours is called PDAS. As a teacher, everyone must go through PDAS training. This training takes about three and a half hours and there are a total of 3 or 4 folks at my school who need to have it... including myself. Surely you would take care of such things during inservice right? Surely you wouldn't want to pay a sub to take the place of a teacher when the teacher is there at school and perfectly healthy right? Surely you would rather have a teacher teaching kids rather than a sub handing out some lame assignment that the teacher threw together at the last second right? Surely... SURELY you care enough about the kids, the curriculum, and your own budget enough not to do this RIGHT?! wrong....

So PDAS training happens flat in the middle of the week. dumb. So a sub gets hired to do my job even though I'm in the building. dumb. So my kids get saddled with a sub they don't know, a junk assignment that they don't like and will get little to nothing out of. dumb. All so I can go see how we get evaluated? dumb, dumb, dumb. My mind is all dumbed out today.
I just flat out can't understand what goes through people's head sometimes. Some teachers may well like this idea. It's a break from the kids perhaps. But I don't see it that way. As much as I like the other teachers, truthfully I would hate the place were it not for my kids. Each class is different and while they all come with different challenges they also all come with different things to enjoy. So I don't see it as a break. Quite the opposite in fact.

So what possible explanation could there be? Well in my short time of student teaching and now teaching a real class I've noticed something. No matter what district you're at, there seem to be alot of people in some mystical land of education that rain bits of colossal teaching poop down on us from time to time. This is where the idea and especially the practice of TAKS came in. It's also where you get beauties like benchmark testing, cross subject post it note taking, days on end of hoo-rah inservice where teachers are encouraged to do things they have no idea how to do... the list goes on and on. Who are these educational geniuses? Well to be honest I can't be sure. But there are certain things we do know about them.
1. They have never been teachers. Perhaps they have been but it's been 5 to 10 years since they have. So we're looking for someone out of touch with both kids and faculty.
2. They're really smart on paper. Check the walls folks. These cats have PhDs. You better listen to what they have to say... they've written stuff.
3. They have great ideas but suck at implementation. I hate to but let's go back to TAKS. Overall I don't think it's a terrible idea to make sure kids aren't just being taught how to color in social studies. But in practice.... An 11th grade US history teachers job depends on one of two things. 1) The 8th grade teachers were so good at teaching pre-civil war American history that the students haven't forgotten ANY of it. or 2) The aforementioned 11th grade teacher is really good at review. When kids are forced to answer detailed questions about things they learned 3 years prior, you can just bet they'll have forgotten what they learned. The outcome is that US history stops at Birmingham and restarts at Jamestown. ugh... So while on some level TAKS is a good idea, they've completely blown the implementation.
4. They're into the latest fads. What's that you say? Boxy Ray-bans from the 80's are in?! I gotta get some! COW charts and video conferencing are in?! Who cares if it looks good on us or not? Gotta keep with the times! These schoolhouse smarty pants types are always looking for the new and improved... even if all it really is is recycled poo...
5. Lastly, they really, really like to hear themselves talk. Or perhaps they like to hear a proxy talk about their ideas for them. Either way, they've been working they're whole careers looking for ways to make you a crappier, less efficient, more frustrated teacher. Once they pull it off, they just can't wait to tell you about it.

So be on the lookout for these titans of the industry folks. They are the educator you can only hope to be.

And for you students... your teacher doesn't hate you. They just hate the crap that comes with teaching you.